euphoricragedotcom

well after the whole deep heat incident, i picked up my blackberry and checked my bbm and news apps, and you have no idea how i laughed when i heard of the impending solar flares. trust me, solar flares have nothing on deep heat shower gel. i was a bit scared, the problem was, i forgot what time the “danger zone” was and i was probably driving around at the time. nothing cool happened unfortunately.  i was hoping for hardcore rays of orange and red flames to descend from the sky. i was so desperate for a sign of this danger that i even looked at the sun. my eyes did hurt. but then i realised, when you look at a “normal” sun your eyes hurt as well.

to say i read broadcast messages on bbm with a pinch of salt would be a lie, i rarely ever read them and when i actually do, i always believe the exact opposite. especially when it’s like “poor katey clarckson went missing yesterday and she has cancer and no parents and she got raped and her rhino was poached and the flooding at kruger washed her home away and if you bbm this to 10 people she will get her parents back”. honestly??? fuck that. why do people create these sad fucking stories and broadcast them. why do people re-broadcast them? today’s broadcast had a link. which annoyed me. the motherfuckers are trying to get credible. well, i read the story on news24. yes, there was solar flare yesterday. no it wasn’t going to fuck anything up. well not today anyway.

you see, the sun has these regular periods of increased solar activity, much like girls, which is expected to peak at the end of this year or next year. it’s a pity we couldn’t send the mother of all tampons into space to absorb all the radiations because, well, i don’t know why. maybe no one ever thought it before. except me. in this period there will be more solar flares than normal, but the scary shit is that the harmful stuff which are the x-rays and uv-rays, hit planet earth only 8 minutes after the actual flare. this means countries will have to create early warning systems so that dumb people can get scared about nothing and send long broadcasts about the end of the world. thankfully, in our country that would never happen, because our government is retarded, our early warning systems just wouldn’t work.

so what’s the worse that could happen? honestly, no one really knows. the worst known solar flare to mess with earth was in 1859. there was fuck-all back then, besides telegraphs. no one died. the telegraph wires went a bit haywire which leads scientists to believe, a deadly flare in today’s world would mess up cellphone/radio/airplane signals as well as mess up power stations causing huge blackouts. say that to someone who has a blackberry and who gets electricity from eskom. that is a fucking daily issue.

i guess today just proved how retarded some people are. maybe the mayans believed that 2012 was not the year the world would be destroyed, but the year in which mankind would lose its ability to think critically. i think that’s even more scary, because i rather be dead and not alive, than be alive but dead.

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i love taking long showers, in fact i usually only really wake up ten minutes into a shower. the hot water and the sound of flowing water gently lift the veil of slumber, carrying  me gently on wings of soft velvet into the most horrific part of my day; the morning. i hate mornings. i hate waking up to the bright sun, having to always catch up to a day that has always begun before i woke up. if i had my child born between 6am and 12pm i would call him/her motherfucker. no lies.

but this morning was extra terrible. i was about twenty minutes in, the bathroom was steamy, i had lovely smelling shampoo in my hair and then i found a bottle of deep heat shower gel. usually on all these bottled, boxed or canned things, there are massive warnings that exaggerate any whisker of impending danger; like, on a take away coffee cup “warning:contents may be hot”. there was none on the deep heat shower gel, i was wary, i had checked, even at that time of morning. boys are always careful with deep heat. being the clean, well-groomed man that i am, i was washing myself pretty thoroughly. i do realise now, that the mild warming sensation i felt over my biceps should have been a warning in itself, but at the time, i thought it was rather marvelous. well, until i started soaping up my penis. at first it was a rather exciting tingling sensation. this was followed by that all-knowing horrific burn. the burn that gets more intense and flares up when you try to wash it off with water. it was terrible. i even tried using a hair dryer. both the hot and cold functions, just didn’t work. it was like getting bj’ed by a volcano.

to the men out there, be warned. if you work for deep heat, fuck you. if you are a lady on the other hand, with massive appetite, sniff around for a man who smells like deep heat shower gel. you may think you have game, but a man with a fire-hardened tool, well, he ain’t playing games!

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if i was a school teacher i would have given my pupils a project today which would be due tomorrow. all because wikipedia was blacked out today. fucking  mean idea hey. but then again, if was a school teacher, i wouldn’t be cool, and so, naturally, wouldn’t be euphoricraging. well, ok sorry for that self ego-boost, but let’s get serious here.

wikipedia, in protest of the sopa/pipa bills which might be passed through senate, blacked out its encyclopedia today. the bills are meant to try curb anti-piracy and protect intellectual property, however, many believe it is in the loose terminology of both bills, that free expression online may be compromised. as proposed by the bills, it is the priority of the host to ensure the content on its site isn’t an infringement and it calls for the blocking of some websites, especially from some foreign countries.

when it comes to intellectual property, i do realise their worry. thousands of songs and movies are illegally copied or “shared” across the internet every moment, costing the entertainment industry billions of dollars. yet jlo still could afford a $19 million house, and she isn’t the only celeb that’s rolling. so fuck them.

the biggest concern of the 21st century for me is freedom of speech and the broadcasting of pure fact. news agencies such as fox, cnn and to a lesser extent the bbc and al jazeera, aren’t that credible because of their huge agenda’s that they try to push through. you aren’t digesting what happened anymore, you are fed what they want you to perceive. rupert murdoch owns 175 newspapers, all supposedly “independent” of each other. all 175 encouraged the invasion of iraq. it is these big corporations that have these huge agenda’s, which is why i found hope and solace in the internet. a place where anyone could tell their true story, without the auspices of a billion dollar company. a place where popularity and scope was driven by mankind’s passion and love and not billion dollar marketing projects.

i wonder if che guevara, or the anc pre-1994 would have their websites blocked under these very bills. the killing of steve biko, the youth uprising, the incredible picture of the dying hector peterson all lost to the world. events that shaped the very nature of our country, that affected the entire globe could have went by unheard of, not a tear spilt, not a hair raised.

where do we go for the truth? who knows whose fighting for freedom in syria? who knows if iran is really a monster? who knows if fidel castro is terrorist? who really knows what the truth is anymore. it seems to me, as if the united states is trying to stifle the cries of the oppressed, but hey baby, we’re living the american dream!

it seems fitting to end with muhammad ali’s words. it was his birthday yesterday. a true hero of mine. he said these words which sparked his trial where eventually, he was actually convicted and stripped of his boxing title. he was also banned from boxing during his prime, yet still he became a legend of the game and a legend amongst mankind.

“no, i am not going 10,000 miles to help murder kill and burn other people to simply help continue the domination of white slavemasters over dark people the world over. this is the day and age when such evil injustice must come to an end.”
—muhammad ali

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that’s the first time i typed 2012 this year. ok that’s a lie, i typed it out in my previous blog. it’s been a pretty dangerous weekend, maybe friday the 13th is terrible bad luck after all. well at least for some people in water.

a cruise ship sank on friday. the captain hadn’t realised that ships dont bounce over rocks. it’s pretty weird you know, cars come with pdc and cameras, the infrared’s on the merc can even see in the dark, but why can’t ships come with camera’s that show the captain what lays in his path beneath the sea? it can’t be the cost, because the ship that crashed cost over €400 million. i mean it was all good for titanic, yes some people died, but the world got a really good story, a really good movie, celine dion’s heart wrenching song (with teary eyes “right across the distance, i see you, i feeeeel you) and of course kate winslet topless, but it’s really retarded when people die from stupid things. i wouldn’t mind dying on a ship if it was blown up by pirates, that’s cool. but imagine sitting in the waiting room just before the pearly gates, and the guy next to you leans over and says, so what got you here? and you have to tell him, a captain ran your ship into a rock, and that killed you.

well then there was a crazy australian who bungee jumped off a bridge at vic falls. who the fuck trusts zambia with bungee jumping? well, she’s going to be a celebrity. not that great though. her names erin langworthy. i bet you didn’t know that. but you’ve probably seen the video of her great escapade. funny, isn’t that what made kim k and paris famous? just saying.

on lesser tragedy-in-water affairs a man was eaten by a shark at port st johns, after struggling with it for about 5 minutes. a surfer close by said he was brave in fighting it but suffered fatal wounds. he wasn’t that close by i take it. nor was he much of a “we’ll get through this together” sort of guy. just saying.

in another incident a boy “disappeared” at hout bay. he is presumed to have drowned. i’m pretty sure a shark killed him, and actually ate all or most of him, because he wasn’t found after extensive searches. we could hate on sharks, they honestly scare me intensely. but the chinese eat sharks. they are fucking up mankind’s karma. and the ozone layer.

believe it or not, but two boys even drowned while swimming in a drain in jozi. it’s been pretty wild.i may be slightly paranoid this year, i have that feeling of intense suspense everytime i reach for the newspaper, and read it with the same expression as people watching days of our lives. but hey i met a girl with d cups today. and she added me on bbm. you may think my post today was retarded, but it actually had a message. sometimes you can’t really change fate, and your carriage shall indeed be drawn up to the pearly gates, but just make sure that it gets there engulfed in huge flames! forgive me now, for i have a pair of d cups to destroy. a-d-ios amigos!

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it has been awhile. i love saying that. but indeed it has been long. too long in fact. i have had a holiday. which means i stopped blogging. and then i extended that holiday. but today, i really felt the need to vent my views. i’m not really sure why. i did miss blogging, i’ll be honest. you can’t really say all the things you think of in the real world. well not all the things i think of anyway.

in a nutshell my holiday was good. i nearly got with one of my best friends. which is kind of awkward because she’s probably going to read this. but anyway, she has a good side step. and a good ass. i really don’t like new years and the december holidays. people act very weird, the weathers usually terrible and my housekeeper goes away. which is absolutely tragic. why do people act differently on holiday? why would you marvel at the blue sky on holiday, but not be so enrapt on every other blue skied day. people are silly and stupid. the country turns itself upside down, people from joburg go to durban or cape town. people from durban and cape town go elsewhere. the recession has caused for greater local tourism, an even greater switch. it’s sort of wife swap in a way. why do people have to retain their vows and spouses on holiday? fuck that’s a good question.

another pet hate of mine are new year resolutions. the most glaring problem is that a year might fit well as a period for somethings (school, tax), but there are very few goals that need an entire year, and of those that are, smaller monthly goals need to be set, because in january when the year is young we feel like there’s plenty of time and we become complacent, fast forward to the end of the year and there’s far too plenty to do in far too little a time. as a human race we need smaller steps, things that more easily acheivable. even nature works with us in months. ask a girl about her period. eeuw. wait. rather not. disclaimer: this does not work if you are setting goals for your future marriage and your name is kim kardashian. if that is you please email me. i watched your video. i like your style.

please can the chinese please leave our rhino’s alone! viagra is the 21st century rhino horn motherfuckers. i think government need to drop pamphlets in bruma and other china towns updating the small eyed nation. alternatively, we could just get clever and start farming rhino horns. just maybe? fucking demand for rhino horns is so high people?? why south africa do we not provide a supply??  i sometimes think i live in a retarded country. well, i use to, but then a lady got killed in a stampede trying to get her son’s application at uj. wtf? since when did people die trying to get into uj?! what made it worse, is that the son of the stampeded lady, actually got accepted, and is keen on studying there. dude! their stupidity killed your mom! well are you struggling to get into a varsity? have a spare parent? well then…how much are you willing to give?!

i may just be a bit caged up, but i have a weird feeling about what 2012 has in store for earth this year. it’s going to be great. i’m just not sure whether it’s going to be good or bad. but hey, rather bombs, tornadoes and tragedies than the thick, boring air of the mundane. but one thing’s for sure, south africans, get ready for some insane drama. our countries going mad.

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this is by far, the most devastating sickness affecting society. it probably surpassed even aids. aids kills, and that, in a way is sort of practical, because, the problem dies, although sometimes not as fast as mankind needs. cool crew syndrome does not kill, it infects and spreads so fast, like a tumour. giving power and superior ego’s to those that should never have them. it is evolutions greatest enemy. i call it, cool crew syndrome. ever noticed that most annoying bunch of people? always exaggerating their laughs, their cool handshakes. the most fucking annoying bunch of people. they are suffering from cool crew syndrome. they need to be shot. however, today is not a day of recruitment, today i shall enlighten.

you see, no energy can be created, its transferred or, fuck, i forgot newton. but the second part wasn’t important. i promise. so, these crews of utterly low coolness, try to create this “we are so cool” vibe by omg’ing and omw’ing everything that they do. they attempt to create this coolness by creating a bubble around them, and then sucking coolness from outside the bubble and transferring it within the bubble. they dramatise everything, a girl smiles at one of them, “you know i fucked her once”, “ohhh emm geee duude i can totally imagine you rocking that pussy”, “yeah, and then i did her mom”, “laaaarrk ohhh emm geee dude that is so totally cool”.  the bubble doesn’t allow negative vibes in, they just transform those into positive perceptions. they are essentially mutual masturbators. what bugs me so much about this horrid syndrome, is that people affected by this ailment actually think they are cool, and there are very, very few things that can burst that bubble. like corruption, the scary thing is that, it works well. all you have to do is mind fuck yourself slightly.

cool people don’t have to hear how cool they are from other people. you are cool if you can be yourself, say what ever you want to say, dress however you want to dress and do whatever you want to do. cool people don’t have to put other people down just to feel cool.

i guess its human nature to want to be apart of a gang/crew. we all want to feel that we belong to something of importance. but it’s up to ourselves to focus on our own selves first, to find our individual essence and to grow upon it. that way, and only that way, will be able to face human nature’s greatest fear. the fear of being alone.

to those of you who are part of a crew and think you are cool, fuck you! i hope you get cancer of your testicle. i hope your penis gets caught in a blender. i hope your eyelids gets caught in a tin can opener. or maybe, i should just hope that your bubble bursts.

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i have gotten rid of my movember. in fact, i got rid of it two weeks back. like most things, i love the novelty of new things,i get greatly inspired and make many claims, and then i get bored. and then ya, that mission just gets fucked. movember was cool though, while it lasted. it was like having the auspice of doing charity, while in reality just trying out really cool styles that you would be far too scared to try in any other month. also, you could finally get that point across to some girls in a nicer way. you know those girls that seem to think men are blind and have facial hair. if you are a girl, and if a guy asked you if you support movember and you haven’t gotten the hint, go die right now. by order of charles darwin.

for some reason, michael jackson’s doctor has been sentenced to four years in jail. the weird thing is, if someone had manned up to kill michael jackson a year before he died, the majority of the world would call him a hero. i feel sorry for conrad murray (mj’s doc), he didn’t seem to consider the world’s bipolar tendencies.

justin bieber has taken over kim k in the battle of “the most searched person”. the amount of girl’s under the age of ten using the internet has risen. i hope kim k takes this stat personally. whoop whoop another kim k porno. a girl told me justin bieber has a ten inch cock. i told her that’s true, it’s up his ass, and it belongs to usher. she then cried and ran back to her primary school.

the uk striked again today. it wasn’t as exciting as i thought it would be. they certainly haven’t reached the bar set by their previous protest. that shit was cool. they need to sort their shit out though, because it’s fucking up our country.

i hate the first of december. it’s like the final month of the year. too early for new resolutions, too late to do anything incredible to change the outcome of this year. it’s like i am blind folded from hope, and hand-cuffed from opportunity. maybe i am just in a sulky mood today. or maybe i am getting emo. well, at least the country will be on holiday. partying, sexing and just generally going crazy. sounds interesting.

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