euphoricragedotcom

there are many special days in a calendar year; father’s day, mother’s day, arbor day, april fools day, but none so polarizing than valentine’s day. most people either intensely hate it or intensely love it. it’s easy to spot the usual sour, single person who goes on about it being retarded (get over it, no one looks down on the single). there are some who really don’t believe in it. fair enough i guess. well, then there are the children of cupid. i wouldn’t say i’m a big fan of valentines day. but that could possibly be because of the effort it would require. i do however love getting presents, and sadly this year may be my first dud in a while. i sound like a girl right? fuck, sorry about that fanny fit. don’t you hate those people who prance around with their gifts in their hands? if i had a girlfriend who was like that, i’d buy her a big red, pulsating dildo and a t-shirt saying “you either go big or you don’t date my bf”.

the other night i was pretty emo. i even listened to catt stevens. i had a pretty deep think about love and i realised something. which i wrote down so i wouldn’t forget. valentines day is a day simply of love. The whole toxic material cloud which has begun to dominate this day just shows how mangled a perspective many have of what love is. it doesn’t take a red thong to prove love. nor a box of sleazy red chocolates with hearts all over the box. it seems as if relationships these days are measured by the amounts of supper’s for two, red roses, profile pictures taken together,  lovey cards, teddy bears, and underwear exchanged.

love isn’t defined by the choices we make. the choices we make are defined by love. if we are conscious that love is gauged by our choices, then do we not live trying to prove to ourselves and to our lovers that we are in love? i don’t think love can be defined. it is far too dynamic, powerful and amazing for that. oscar wilde said “the very essence of love is uncertainty”.  but a petal of the rose of love, that most couples forget, is that of discovery. to explore the treasures hidden deep within our ever-moving souls, that we may learn and love each other and in doing so learn and love ourselves. love is progressive because people are progressive. which is why, days like today should be a lot more than just material gifts. for if love isn’t nurtured by the breast of compromise and tickled by the feathers of joy, it shall never last.

i know i’ve spoken a lot more about true love than valentines day. but for me, valentines day is one of those days in the year that we highlight and celebrate love as a society. coming from a guy who hasn’t been in a proper relationship for a while, i honestly think love is the greatest thing in the world. without it, life would simply just become existence. as victor hugo once said “life is the flower for which love is the honey”.

amazing words from an amazing voice that has been hushed far too soon. rest in peace lady houston. “we all die. the goal isn’t to live forever. the goal is to create something that will.” – whitney houston

Posted in into the deep

evolution is a pioneering force by its very nature. obscurely embodied in the stories of old (such as; how the elephant got its trunk and how the leopard got its spots)  that reflect these changes that naturally occur from time to time. these moments ensure that nature always progresses, that man and beast move towards not only ensuring they survive, but that they thrive.

recognise that girl? well, the female race were like elephants with little trunks, until she came along. for some girls, that wasn’t just a metaphor. anyway, the female race was running short of trump cards, so evolution her darling self, girdled her loins and out popped the beautiful, the amazing, the one and only hazel jones!!!

you might be rather annoyed, trying to figure out what makes her so special. you see, hazel jones has two vagina’s. one girl, two vagina’s. no lies. i’ll be honest, even i was taken aback at first. but think about it, subconsciously the psychologist’s make us believe that men are attracted to women who have greater child-bearing capabilities: two vagina’s, twice the capability. we also have two hands, two vagina’s, a match made in heaven. in fact, sleeping with hazel jones should be regarded as being better than a threesome. besides, how fun would it be playing eenie meenie minie mo. i think evolution realised that females were loved for one reason, and it went with the old adage “two is better than one”. charles darwin must be rubbing himself all over. honestly, so am i.

she’s had a $1 million porn offer that sadly, she rejected. it would have been incredible to have watched that video. i’m sure she would’ve won an oscar or two. mankind deserves to see such a natural phenomenon. it’s only fair.

i was pretty surprised to learn that this condition (one girl, two vagina’s) occurs every 1 in 3000, which isn’t that rare at all. a girl is more likely to have two vagina’s than triplets. amazing. hazel realised there was something “special” about her when she had two periods. it was however, only after her boyfriend went down on her, and came up slightly perplexed, that she finally decided to get her plumbing checked. it must havebeen an awkward moment when she spread her legs on that contraption for her doctor.

the only problem i see, is if her period cycles are different. her “down time” would be rather costly. unlike a robot, a green light at the bottom doesn’t always mean the top light isn’t shining red. sorry, that was slightly disgusting.

i hope there comes a day when every girl has hazel jones syndrome. it’s already a lot more popular than we think it is. i hope i find a girl with such a problem. i would kindly nurse her and adore her for who she is. she really will be the one. i know i’m letting myself get carried away, and if only my wishes came true. but honestly, don’t you think it’s about time that evolution really started kicking up a gear. most of the time we hear of weird stories, it’s of babies been born joined at the head or some other disgusting thing. it’s only in these rare stories that we hear, that mankind has advanced and has been improved in some way. it’s quite lame knowing that my greatest grandfather loved his girl much the same way as i love girls in todays times. i think we need change. big change. which is why, hazel jones is simply, the woman of the future.

youtube her, she’s actually quite a darling.

Posted in things that don't fit in anywhere else....

the first month of the year has already passed! i hate when time flies. i feel like im getting robbed of a proper life. and then there’s the ever-present worry of blinking, and waking up and being 50 years old and paraplegic and having erectile dysfunction. i think i rather be paraplegic than have erectile dysfunction. at least then i could still have a cool blog. www.karmasutraforparaplegics.com. and let’s be honest, it would be a lot cooler chasing girls around in a wheelchair than playing golf. by the way, why does february has two r’s? it just looks so awkward. i think it would do rather fine with just one. febuary. see. so much better. fuck you spell check and your red line.

zoo magazine has just held a “world’s best butt” competition and here are what the voters had to say:

1. kim kardashian (never knew the secret of success was a porno and a divorce)

2. rihanna (understandable)

3. geena mullins (googled her now, she’s hot but has a trailer trash sort of vibe)

4. pixie lott (got over googling)

5. caitlin wynters

6. scarlett johansson (no ways) (her lips are the only gorgeous thing)

7. charlotte herbert

8. keyra agustina

9. melissa d

10. stacey pool

11. shakira (how did she not win?? she’s the hottest girl in the world from the belly button down)

12. jessica biel (waaayyy hotter than 12)

notably, jlo and pippa middleton hadn’t cracked the top 20. i think i have very different taste, or the public’s just retarded. nevertheless, ass to a modern girl is like reputation to the victorian aged girl. in other words, fucking important.

onto other bigger political news. aha. malema’s appeal has been rejected. i actually think i’ll miss juju because he certainly brought a lot of spice to south african’s daily lives. he was quite an idiot at times, but his sudden rise to fame shows that the south african lower economic classes are frustrated, and it is empirical that government and corporates focus on providing efficient services and job creation in that sector to remedy those ails. social unrest starts there, because a man with nothing, has nothing to lose.

i’m sorry about my absence again. being consistent is one of the hardest things for me. after saying no. but i have hope, i started eating weet-bix bits, and we all know, weet-bix keeps you “regular”. it’s actually an incredible cereal and, of course, it keeps you nice and regular. i also apologise for speaking about hot asses and then juju. but then again, inconsistency and utter random madness is what euphoricrage is all about. profanity insanity irrationality. i actually came up with that on my own. tomorrow, hopefully, i shall blog about the most amazing woman in the whole world. trust me on this, it will change the way you see the world.

Posted in things that don't fit in anywhere else....

today was such an arb day. i laughed at people who thought the world was going to end yesterday. but then i felt terrible. i saw the most incredible pictures of the northern lights that occurred last night, induced by the solar flares. i promised myself that when i fall in love one day i shall venture to that cold place, wherever it may be and lay in the snow on top of my beloved  (i thought about the cold factor) and gaze. mother nature truly has a way with beauty, no movie or performance could ever compete when she smiles.

on less amazing news (sorry for that anti-climax) facebook will now make it compulsory for people to adopt timelines. i honestly don’t understand why facebook felt the need to change things. it was doing well. very well. in fact if facebook was a country, it would be the third largest in the world. that’s a fuck-load of people.

you see, facebook and myspace were once upon a time pretty much similar. myspace was fancy and had these weird things where you could changes backgrounds and stuff. facebook was simple. you had a wall and friends. friends wrote on your wall. why the fuck are they copying competitors that they outclassed? that’s like messi trying to learn soccer from bafana bafana or obama trying to learn public speaking techniques from jacob.

well, jacob is still twice the man that obama is. jacob’s a president, whose getting sued by a person who was convicted of having a corrupt relationship with him. how fucked up is that? our president is apparently going to get sued. obama is also having legal issues. he has to testify in court regarding his citizenship. it seems the americans are getting confused between the ship they put the slaves on and the titanic.

starbucks has announced it will start serving alcohol. executives of the company were looking for ways to boost sales during the recession and after much deliberation, they have come up with the idea of adding alcohol to the menu. i don’t see how that idea took so long. personally, i’m quite sceptical about it. i somehow don’t see how coffee beans and chocolate muffins go with beer. maybe i’m just not an alcoholic, but i just don’t think they are similar. think about having an espresso or filter coffee at a bar?

well either way, i still love a large frappucino. which leads me to my question. if you need sales to increase starbucks, why don’t you just open some stores in south africa?

Posted in things that don't fit in anywhere else....

well after the whole deep heat incident, i picked up my blackberry and checked my bbm and news apps, and you have no idea how i laughed when i heard of the impending solar flares. trust me, solar flares have nothing on deep heat shower gel. i was a bit scared, the problem was, i forgot what time the “danger zone” was and i was probably driving around at the time. nothing cool happened unfortunately.  i was hoping for hardcore rays of orange and red flames to descend from the sky. i was so desperate for a sign of this danger that i even looked at the sun. my eyes did hurt. but then i realised, when you look at a “normal” sun your eyes hurt as well.

to say i read broadcast messages on bbm with a pinch of salt would be a lie, i rarely ever read them and when i actually do, i always believe the exact opposite. especially when it’s like “poor katey clarckson went missing yesterday and she has cancer and no parents and she got raped and her rhino was poached and the flooding at kruger washed her home away and if you bbm this to 10 people she will get her parents back”. honestly??? fuck that. why do people create these sad fucking stories and broadcast them. why do people re-broadcast them? today’s broadcast had a link. which annoyed me. the motherfuckers are trying to get credible. well, i read the story on news24. yes, there was solar flare yesterday. no it wasn’t going to fuck anything up. well not today anyway.

you see, the sun has these regular periods of increased solar activity, much like girls, which is expected to peak at the end of this year or next year. it’s a pity we couldn’t send the mother of all tampons into space to absorb all the radiations because, well, i don’t know why. maybe no one ever thought it before. except me. in this period there will be more solar flares than normal, but the scary shit is that the harmful stuff which are the x-rays and uv-rays, hit planet earth only 8 minutes after the actual flare. this means countries will have to create early warning systems so that dumb people can get scared about nothing and send long broadcasts about the end of the world. thankfully, in our country that would never happen, because our government is retarded, our early warning systems just wouldn’t work.

so what’s the worse that could happen? honestly, no one really knows. the worst known solar flare to mess with earth was in 1859. there was fuck-all back then, besides telegraphs. no one died. the telegraph wires went a bit haywire which leads scientists to believe, a deadly flare in today’s world would mess up cellphone/radio/airplane signals as well as mess up power stations causing huge blackouts. say that to someone who has a blackberry and who gets electricity from eskom. that is a fucking daily issue.

i guess today just proved how retarded some people are. maybe the mayans believed that 2012 was not the year the world would be destroyed, but the year in which mankind would lose its ability to think critically. i think that’s even more scary, because i rather be dead and not alive, than be alive but dead.

Posted in things that don't fit in anywhere else....

i love taking long showers, in fact i usually only really wake up ten minutes into a shower. the hot water and the sound of flowing water gently lift the veil of slumber, carrying  me gently on wings of soft velvet into the most horrific part of my day; the morning. i hate mornings. i hate waking up to the bright sun, having to always catch up to a day that has always begun before i woke up. if i had my child born between 6am and 12pm i would call him/her motherfucker. no lies.

but this morning was extra terrible. i was about twenty minutes in, the bathroom was steamy, i had lovely smelling shampoo in my hair and then i found a bottle of deep heat shower gel. usually on all these bottled, boxed or canned things, there are massive warnings that exaggerate any whisker of impending danger; like, on a take away coffee cup “warning:contents may be hot”. there was none on the deep heat shower gel, i was wary, i had checked, even at that time of morning. boys are always careful with deep heat. being the clean, well-groomed man that i am, i was washing myself pretty thoroughly. i do realise now, that the mild warming sensation i felt over my biceps should have been a warning in itself, but at the time, i thought it was rather marvelous. well, until i started soaping up my penis. at first it was a rather exciting tingling sensation. this was followed by that all-knowing horrific burn. the burn that gets more intense and flares up when you try to wash it off with water. it was terrible. i even tried using a hair dryer. both the hot and cold functions, just didn’t work. it was like getting bj’ed by a volcano.

to the men out there, be warned. if you work for deep heat, fuck you. if you are a lady on the other hand, with massive appetite, sniff around for a man who smells like deep heat shower gel. you may think you have game, but a man with a fire-hardened tool, well, he ain’t playing games!

Posted in things that don't fit in anywhere else....

if i was a school teacher i would have given my pupils a project today which would be due tomorrow. all because wikipedia was blacked out today. fucking  mean idea hey. but then again, if was a school teacher, i wouldn’t be cool, and so, naturally, wouldn’t be euphoricraging. well, ok sorry for that self ego-boost, but let’s get serious here.

wikipedia, in protest of the sopa/pipa bills which might be passed through senate, blacked out its encyclopedia today. the bills are meant to try curb anti-piracy and protect intellectual property, however, many believe it is in the loose terminology of both bills, that free expression online may be compromised. as proposed by the bills, it is the priority of the host to ensure the content on its site isn’t an infringement and it calls for the blocking of some websites, especially from some foreign countries.

when it comes to intellectual property, i do realise their worry. thousands of songs and movies are illegally copied or “shared” across the internet every moment, costing the entertainment industry billions of dollars. yet jlo still could afford a $19 million house, and she isn’t the only celeb that’s rolling. so fuck them.

the biggest concern of the 21st century for me is freedom of speech and the broadcasting of pure fact. news agencies such as fox, cnn and to a lesser extent the bbc and al jazeera, aren’t that credible because of their huge agenda’s that they try to push through. you aren’t digesting what happened anymore, you are fed what they want you to perceive. rupert murdoch owns 175 newspapers, all supposedly “independent” of each other. all 175 encouraged the invasion of iraq. it is these big corporations that have these huge agenda’s, which is why i found hope and solace in the internet. a place where anyone could tell their true story, without the auspices of a billion dollar company. a place where popularity and scope was driven by mankind’s passion and love and not billion dollar marketing projects.

i wonder if che guevara, or the anc pre-1994 would have their websites blocked under these very bills. the killing of steve biko, the youth uprising, the incredible picture of the dying hector peterson all lost to the world. events that shaped the very nature of our country, that affected the entire globe could have went by unheard of, not a tear spilt, not a hair raised.

where do we go for the truth? who knows whose fighting for freedom in syria? who knows if iran is really a monster? who knows if fidel castro is terrorist? who really knows what the truth is anymore. it seems to me, as if the united states is trying to stifle the cries of the oppressed, but hey baby, we’re living the american dream!

it seems fitting to end with muhammad ali’s words. it was his birthday yesterday. a true hero of mine. he said these words which sparked his trial where eventually, he was actually convicted and stripped of his boxing title. he was also banned from boxing during his prime, yet still he became a legend of the game and a legend amongst mankind.

“no, i am not going 10,000 miles to help murder kill and burn other people to simply help continue the domination of white slavemasters over dark people the world over. this is the day and age when such evil injustice must come to an end.”
—muhammad ali

Posted in things that don't fit in anywhere else....